A ghost in a shell, Anonymous (19)

I want to die it’s better than constantly having to struggle through my day. I’ve noticed it’s gotten harder to be happier When I should be. I’ve tried to better my mental state, I’ve tried to distract myself with other things to think about, I’ve tried to ignore it,I’ve tried to cope, I tried everything I could think of and I still ended up back to suicidal thoughts, I’m shaking for no reason and short of breath all I can think about is will anyone miss me. Rationally I know it’s a bad idea but I can’t think rationally only enough wrote this all out and to what point because I feel like I have no one to talk to no one would really understand how to help the would just try and deal with me and don’t have confidence enough to say I wanna die because who would I tell that would take me seriously. Who would believe me when I tell them that everyday the first thing on my mind is death. That I haven’t felt true happiness since I was 12. I have to fake emotions other than sadness. I don’t know what wrong with me. I can’t answer that. All I know is how I feel and I feel as if I’ve been falling for the past 6 years trying desperately to hold on to anything solid only to come up empty with false hopes and crushed dreams. And my actions only take me farther and farther away from salvation. And I tend to stray away from all things food and continually seek the bad Almost as if I’m not worthy, as if I’m not good enough to be happy, to be loved, to be someone who’s noticed. But ok once I start down that path inevitably I’ll just die. And maybe this is a cry for help. It’s never going to reach any ear because as soon as it was though it was smothered by black and dirty hands the same hands that have taken every good though from me. I’m fighting a war it’s me vs myself and nobodies winning. I can’t describe how empty and alone I feel. I feel like I’m a ghost in a shell.