Throughout my life I've never felt like I deserved any happiness. Every time I was close to a steady and content life, I would somehow try and ruin it. I allow people to walk all over me and treat me like I'm absolutely worthless. It wasn't until high school when I understood why I do this. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is much more traumatizing internally than it may seem. At 8 years old I was too busy talking to cops, making statements about my own dad rather then living a stress-free and normal life every child should live. I was so exposed to trauma so young i had to mature so much faster. I would go to bed holding in my tears, shaking, just listening to the sound of my family bashing against my dad and him screaming such scary and rude things. I always knew he was in the wrong for not getting help, but he's my dad, I'm still gonna love him. He was still the same dad that taught me how to tie my shoes and took me to the park... it was such a different version of him. Nobody understands because he isn't a bad person, although he has done bad things, it's only because he has a serious problem. I shouldn't of had to feel the need to choose sides with my parents so young. I never got to see what a healthy relationship looks like, which is why I think I allow people to treat me so shitty. I used to always think to myself, maybe if he loved us a little bit more, he would get the help he needs. But it's no where close to being that easy. He's been clean for almost a year since I was 6. I have such a bad relationship with everyone in my family, I push everyone away and snap at everyone. I don't wanna be a mean person, like i genuinely wish I could be emotional and close with them, but somethings always blocking me off. I think its because in the past, every time I would start to trust my dad (when he would try and get sober), he would start drinking again and I would feel lied to. Sometimes I feel like my dads situation and many other situations has left me needing more serious help, but I'm too scared to make the first step in making that happen.
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