There are so many people in my life who think I have the perfect life. Truth is I don’t. No one has the perfect life, there is always something that is going to be wrong. But since people think my life is so great I am not allowed to be ashamed of myself or feel sad. People don’t know what happens behind closed doors nor do they know what I am thinking. I am told everyday by either my parents or peers something is wrong with me. Why do you do this? Why do you do that? Why do you look like this? The list goes on. I don’t understand why people feel the need to point out every little thing wrong about me. People go out of their way just to say a snarky comment to me to either embarrass me or make themselves feel better about themselves. For example while walking in the halls at school a girl came up to me and said “anorexic bitch” and she also said another time “watch where you are going you slut”. These words were things people had told me since middle school. And these words hurt me a lot. The funny thing is while others are thinking I am so perfect I am actually a mess. I don’t love myself fully. I am not in love with my body even though my mother says that “people would die to look like you”. But then she will say things like “god you are not a light eater” or “gosh you have gotten big”. These things make me rethink how I look and how I present myself. I use to never think about these things. I was able to eat things without thinking will this make me fat or should I just not eat at all.
My body is not the only thing that I am not happy about. I struggle with anxiety and depression even though no one knows it. If you saw me walking through the halls in school you would think I was perfectly fine and if you knew who I was while reading this you would probably roll your eyes at what I am saying or think I am being dramatic. But since you do not know who I am you might be able to sympathize for me more. I always second guess myself and I am not confident in who I am at all. I have no idea if I am going to end up where I want and I have no idea how I want my life to look like in the future. I have so many people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do or think everyday I end up loosing who I am.
I do have a lot of friends who would say I could tell them anything but I only have two really close friends who I am able to say anything to because I know they will not judge me. My other closer friends say that I should be comfortable with telling them anything but when I do tell them something sensitive or something great that happened to me they get jealous and end up telling others. My so called “best friends” talk shit behind my back even though they tell me I can trust them. I was not aware of this until someone a few weeks ago told me that some people I trusted (they did not give names) had been complaining that I was bragging too much. When I heard this it took me completely out of left field. I felt so alone and so mistreated. I realized the people I had trusted to talk to about my life had gone behind my back and trashed talked me and my accomplishments to other people who had no place of knowing. I was very upset for a few days wondering if I could even be myself without others thinking I was pathetic or too much. But when I told my mom and my siblings this they said “oh its because they are jealous”. But why does someone who is jealous feel that it gives them the right to talk behind my back or humiliate me in front of others. The truth is it shouldn’t.
So many people in this world who are jealous of others think they have no right to be unhappy of how they look or how they feel. They put me down constantly saying I shouldn’t feel normal human emotions because of how I look. This disgusts me, these words have caused me to push down how I am really feeling and put on a mask to fit their standards of perfection. Why can’t people just be happy for on another? I have worked so hard to be where I am currently and I am sorry if I am happy about it but that does not allow someone to feel they can just put me down for it because they are jealous.
However I have learned how to deal with these snarky comments and acts of jealousy. I have learned to just forget about it. To put it behind me and keep moving forward. If you have read this far I am glad you have and appreciate you listening to my story. I have learned to find joy in simple things and I have learned how to stay confident in spite of negative comments and actions. My advice to whoever I reading this is to do what you love no matter what people think and to be true to yourself. Stand out, don’t be apart of a crowd because you will find people who compliment you and understand you in ways you wouldn’t find if you just stayed within the crowd. Always keep a smile on your face in times of hardship because for me it has always made me feel better.