Anonymous (17)

My friend asked me why I’m so social with girls and standoffish with guys. The question set off a million flashbacks and memories I’ve tried to convince myself didn’t happen. Like the first time I was catcalled & followed was when I was 13 & running late to an appointment in Redwood City. I was alone, but it wasn’t a big deal, it was a short walk. I realized I was alone in the vicinity except for 3 grown men leaning against a wall. They started saying really vulgar & graphic shit about me as I passed by. I was so confused why they were talking about me. I was a fucking child for christ’s sake. When they pushed themselves off the wall and started walking toward me & I picked up my pace & basically jogged into the building. After my appointment, my mom came inside to pick me up. We were leaving & my mom got a call & became distracted. The same men were there. They saw me again & got off the wall. One of them came up maybe a foot behind me & said something like “daaamn ma that ass tho, I could fuck you raw.” I froze. I didn’t know what to do, I just wanted to get out of there before they crossed the line any further. I remember feeling disgusting, absolutely disgusted with my body. I blamed myself. I wanted to burn the clothes I was wearing. I took a shower right when I got home, attempting to wash off what had happened, I couldn’t even wrap my mind around it. I kept trying to convince myself it didn’t happen, I wasn’t remembering correctly, I was being dramatic. Another standout moment was in 8th grade when a bunch of guys kept groping my ass whenever I’d get up during class. For a whole week. I kept my back to the wall when I could or sit down as much as possible. I didn’t tell the teacher because the guys said it was a joke & my friends said I was being dramatic. I didn’t want to be “tHaT bItcH” that couldn’t take a joke. It wasn’t funny though. Sophomore year I got drunker than I’d ever been at a party & hooked up with a guy I didn’t really know. I was practically incoherent & he tried to go further. I didn’t realize really what was going on & when I did I pushed him off me. I really don’t think he meant to cross a line & I have no ill will toward him, but I was definitely not in the right frame of mind to be able to give consent (ex: I blacked twice that night). A lot more little instances have happened, but those first instances have really stuck with me. It never mattered what I wore or what age the guys were. A lot worse has happened to people & they’re fine interacting as normal & it kind of makes me feel broken sometimes. Like why do these situations have such an impact on me to the point where I can barely interact with guys without feeling unsafe?

65 views

Recent Posts

See All

after one year he told me he didn't know if he was still in love with me. it's been 3 weeks since he said it and were still together but i feel like i'm constantly on edge with him. he is a huge part

sometimes i sit and wonder how we would be if we could’ve just been honest with each other. i feel as if we were great together and brought out only the best in one another. it was you above everyone

Okay, so there is this girl who used to be my very best friend for 4 years. we were really close. we shared families and everything. at the time I was struggling with an eating disorder, depression, a