Depression, Anonymous (15)

I used to live in Miami. I was born there had my whole life there I loved it. Almost 3 years ago, I moved to Atlanta. It’s been so hard. I miss my friends every day. Ofc I still have my real friends, and I am thankful for that. 2 years ago, I fell into a deep depression. I went numb for a bit and I just couldn’t feel anything or care at all. I had anxiety from my parents since they’re so strict, I couldn’t do anything that is around them made me feel wrong. I got happy for a bit because I had a bf. It lasted awhile for 7 months. but a month before I broke up with him I fell back into depression. so I had to end it. in those past two years of suffering from depression I never went a day without thinking, “I want to die," “god kill me," “would anyone even care if I died." I still think about it constantly. the only difference is I decided not to take my own life. Even if I’m in constant pain and lonely, I decided that people would care and it wouldn’t be fair to them. Plus I’m too scared to hurt myself. I found myself one night so distant from myself and numb I tired of cutting. I did it on my wrist with my fingernail. I didn’t feel any pain until I was showering and the water splashed on my wrist and it burned. I stopped though because it didn’t help. I still find myself lonely even though I have amazing friends. and I think I’ve always felt lonely. I worked hard this year. I was failing in school and I couldn’t do that anymore. Since my dream is being a dr. I got good grades. and I’m proud of myself. But I just can’t understand why I never feel happy. I go to Miami so many times a year. I feel like I basically live there but I don’t and it’s still hard. I’m trying to convince my parents to let me move in with my family that I have there. It’s the only place that I’m happy at. And the worst of all this is that I always have plans and I get happy for 2 seconds and then it goes away and I’m miserable again.