Hiding, Anonymous (16)

I wrote something a while ago but I think I deleted it. I felt guilty about writing on here after reading about other people's problems thinking it was whiny of me to write about something so small in comparison. Hopefully it goes up this time. Growing up I remember being from a different background then most people and being so self conscious with the teasing. I started associating with people of "my type" later on only to end up getting bullied again. I remember changing myself around every different person I was around to make sure I wasn't put into a box again. I still find myself doing this and it makes me feel like I don't really know myself and being alone through this time has really brought that to my attention. I wanna be the same around every person and I don't wanna care if people don't like who that person is. I find myself being the friend always hyping all my friends up and being there for them. Yet I find myself covering up my sadder moments with humor in hopes that no one realizes how much I need them there for me because I know I'll be disappointed when they realize that and still don't show up. I am lucky to have a friend who will be there for me but whenever I let myself show that I need anything I laugh it off covering everything up with humor. Through staying at home I just can't be alone. I emotionally distance myself from my friends but being alone with my thoughts is even more terrifying. I'm scared of a lot. I'm scared I won't be good enough for my parents. I've put up and image that I'm this smart girl but in reality hours of studying barley pays off. I can't let go of this image because it's been up for too long to let go. I'm scared a guy won't like me *again* because of the color of my skin. I'm not the friend guys go up to in friend groups with and flirt with. Those are the other girls in my group. I don't always presume its because of race but a lot of times I find people making judgments based on that. I hope I feel confident in my own decisions soon. Not making decisions based on what others want. I want to do the stuff I want and not fear judgement or disapproval. I wanna live the moments I'll look back and love. Anyways I know I'm keeping this anonymous. But if anyone wants to talk or needs someone im here. (Idk how? Comment?) Thanks for reading :)