I want to be a real man, Anonymous (17)

Ok well, I don’t like talking about this subject much but when I was around 5 my dad died unexpectedly. It’s not the most fun thing when you’re a guy and an only child. It altered my family dynamic, living with just my mom and I. As I started to get older, I developed severe anger issues and some suicidal thoughts, only thoughts though, I had enough anxiety that I would never bother carrying through with it. Depression was common, it’s a very cheesy thing to talk about depression now in my opinion. Everyone says they’re depressed but really, are you? Anyways I found myself crying a lot, feeling excluded from activities from my small elementary school by classmates really cemented my hatred towards them. I still have a grudge against my school, they saw me struggle, I told everyone and they did nothing. I find it hard to forgive but my Christian beliefs keep me in check with that. I saw how all my other friends knew so much more about doing mechanical things and fishing and sports. I was so young I lost all motivation. He was really dead I had nobody to do anything with like that. My mom only could do so much, and she’s unfortunately aging and can’t do “extreme” stuff like that. I feel like I missed so much from my childhood, I never learned basic masculine things that I so wanted to learn. YouTube was my dad in a way, learning how to tie a tie, ask a girl out, what the hell puberty was. I would much rather have a divorced family than a dead one. I still tear up about it, and I have a lot to remember him by. My dad was not the best person in the world, but he had so much knowledge he could have taught me. I struggle to speak with some friends because they are so much more knowledgeable than I am on some things. I just don't feel like a man sometimes. There isn’t a price I wouldn’t pay to have someone, anyone to take me fishing. Something so simple I longed for. I don’t know shit about cars, nor sports. My family is such a fan of football and baseball, he would be so disappointed to see how I never caught onto it. So enough rambling I’m gonna stop now. Thanks for listening if you made it this far. Feels nice to vent a bit. I've been doing better lately, take it one day at a time.

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