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January 2018, Anonymous (15)

I'm not quite sure how to start this story because talking about this part of my life makes me really uncomfortable but I would like to share this because I want people to be aware that things do get better. Eighth grade was a very difficult year for me, I had a lot of social issues going on and I was investing too much in friends even though they were constantly walking away from me. Now I hate to use the word bully because I feel it turns me into a victim, of which I was not - I was catty and mean right back when those people hurt me and I know this is a reason that they continued. But after a while I stopped reacting to the endless toilet papering of my house, the toll of loneliness it took when I had to leave my group of friends because of the back talking, the names, and so much unexplainable negativity towards everyone in my life. Things started to get bad when I began to blame myself, I would cut my wrists and my hips to hurt myself for what they were doing to me like it was my fault. I felt so alone like nothing was ever going to get better, like I was stuck in this place forever, like I didn't deserve life - so...on January 5th, 2018 after writing a letter to my family I proceeded to open a drawer and pop loads and loads of pills, I let emotions overcrowd my life to the point that it threatened life in general to me. If I could erase one thing from my brain it would not be that feeling after I lay in bed ready to add a “the end” to the story of my life, it would be the noise of my mom sobbing next to my hospital bed and apologizing like what I had done was her fault, the sound of my sister screaming from down the hall of the e.r. because she wasn’t allowed to be in the hospital room with me, the crack of pain in my father's voice when I woke up from what felt like millions of pounds of anesthesia when he asked “are you okay?” I was not okay, and I genuinely thought I would never be okay after that. I was wrong, but it took so fucking long, so long to have the privilege to look in the mirror and think that a reflection is a good person, but it was worth every tear that I sobbed. every. single. one. because without this turning point I would not have switched to a different school, I wouldn't have gotten to go to HS with people that treated me like a real friend, I wouldn't have stopped neglecting my family because, for me, they are truly the best friends I could ask for. But now I know that it was not my fault that those people were inhumane and ruthless. Now I focus on myself and my mental health before anyone or anything always. You will never know what goes on behind the mask of somebody's face so please be kind at all times. Happiness is a choice, you have control! Be kind to yourself!

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