Ever since I was a young child, I liked guys and girls. During elementary school, I started to be aware that I wasn’t like the other guys. I was slightly more feminine, and I hung out with both guys and girls. In middle school, as my sexual feelings really kicked in, I noticed I swung a lot more to guys than girls. By eight grade, I thought I was gay, and was very deppresed because of that. My family is a conservative immigrant family, and they want me to be in a straight relationship. I haven’t told them this nor do I intend to because il really scared of how they’d react. When high school came, I still largely remained attracted to guys, but my sexual attraction to girls slightly increased. Same thing in sophomore year as well. I started to feel deppresion and anxiety. I was so worried that I wouldn’t end up in a straight relationship. To make things worse, my parents are controlling and rude and volatile assholes. Because of this, I have to hide sooooo much from them. I tell them I eat lunch by myself and go to the library. I don’t go and hang out with friends outside of school. Why? Because almost all my friends are girls (I think it’s cuz I like guys a lot more and it might be for a similar reason why gay guys have a lot friends that are girls). Mt parents would not be happy with this and would get suspicious for sure. Because of this, I love a very constrained life where I can’t hang out with my friends or go out with friends and have fun without my parents knowing. I even hide the fact that I have an Instagram and snap chat from them, because then they’d check my texts and find out the truth about me. It would also give them another aspect of my life to control, something I do not want to happen. My life is honestly complete shot right now. I have attempted suicide like twice or thrice (tho with flimsy methods) about two years ago. I feel isolated, deppresed, and worry about things which a straight person would likely never think of . I am currently writing this in secret on my phone in my bed in the night, and am really hoping to pour everything into this. My parents are very toxic, and even though I do talk to a few friends for help, they can’t reallly help much. I just want to escape tho al consuming depression and Iive life to the fullest. The happiest moments o had in highscool were when I fell head over heels for this really cute guy (tho he was straight) who had this kindness to him that made me love myself. I also had a similar brief encounter with a girl. I realized that actively having fun, and pursuing my love is what I want. However, as long as I am trapped with my parents (and as long as I continue to interact with them afterwards) I will be stuck in this horrible spiral of deppresion and self hatred .
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