More than my trauma, Anonymous (19)

I was sexually assaulted by a family friend when I was 6. He made me promise to never tell anyone. I never did.

I was sexually assaulted again at 13 by a boy I went to school with. I reported it to both the school and the police. Because I was drunk, they told me I was probably making it up. They told me they would contact the boys' parents. They never did. A year later the same boy sexually assaulted another girl.

When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted two more times, by my boyfriend at the time.

I told him I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t. He didn’t listen to me. I kept saying no, but that didn’t matter to him. He didn’t care that I was crying, he didn’t care that I was whimpering and flinching as he got on top of me. I cried afterward. He asked me why. I told him I didn’t want to do it. He said “Why. You are my girlfriend. This is normal,” and I dated him for another five months.

I was too hurt to leave. I was so used to being treated this way I thought it was making me happy. I didn’t know what good sex was supposed to feel like. I didn’t know sex was supposed to feel good. I thought it was just something guys do.

For years I was extremely self-conscious and anxious about other people. I never trusted anyone. It was extremely hard to open up because I was always told to keep secrets. I let all of these secrets build up over time and slowly break down my mental health. It got to my head.

It’s been about five years since the last time I was sexually assaulted, and I finally decided on getting a therapist for myself. I am finally able to open up about stuff I have never said out loud to anyone.

It’s taken a lot to get to the point where I am currently regarding my mental health. There were multiple times I contemplated taking my life, and I definitely struggled immensely, and still struggle, every day, to keep a smile on my face.

Never let anyone tell you that because you are a girl, it was okay for that to happen.. because you were drunk.. it was okay.. because you were dating.. it was okay. It was not. It never is. Never will be.

I know now that despite my past and my trauma, I am a very strong person. Some so many people experience similar situations to myself, and I know that if they can manage to get through it, so can I. I am so much more than the trauma.

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