Never fitting in, Anonymous (14)

Ever since I was young I never really fit in anywhere. I never really had a best friend I was really close to and I always changed friend groups a lot. I had a pretty good life, with a decent family, who had decent money. There was no reason I should be sad and I feel guilty that I am. Ever since sixth grade, I realized I was bisexual and I hadn’t told anyone. I kept it a secret so long and I was always tempted to tell people but I knew if it got back to my parent's things wouldn’t have turned out well. My parents were exactly the accepting type. We never talked about mental health or anything that really involves feelings. They weren’t homophobic but I also knew they never wanted me to be this way. Ever since I was a kid they would also talk about how I would marry a man in the future and have a good family and I never wanted to disappoint them by not doing so. I recently tried to come out to my siblings but I think they just took it as a joke. I asked them if I should come out to the parents and they told me no. Just straight up no. I hadn’t had any close friends since I moved in the third grade. I had no one I could tell this to. I had no one to turn to when I was upset the most. I knew I could never go to my parents because they would yell at me about how my life was good and there would be no reason for me to feel this way. I get nervous around people and I never try to get close to them because I know I get attached really easily. It’s hard for me to deal with emotions and affection because I never really experienced it. My family was never the type to give hugs or say “I love you” to one another so I feel uncomfortable whenever it’s said to me or someone hugs me. I want to have accepting parents and have accepting people all around me although I know it’s impossible. I hate how I feel sad when I know there’s no reason to be. I never really got bullied, had people always to talk to, have a family that wasn’t totally dysfunctional. My family was always yelling at each other. We never really showed love for each other but we were family. They were there when I need help with school or sports but when I needed someone to talk to, I had no one.