Regret, Anonymous (16)

Recently some important dates passed for me. 2 years ago I had a plan to take my life and a year ago, a day before the other plan, I actually tried. Nobody knows about this attempt and I’ve kept it a secret because it’s embarrassing for me and I hate myself for it. My method wasn’t super effective, I didn’t do enough to die but I felt the repercussions of what I had done for the next few days. It’s so scary for me to think back on this time now, especially now because I feel like my life was so good then. That might sound weird, but I had such a strong support system and I now realize I had a lot going for me. I took all of these things for granted and I wish I hadn’t because I lost a lot of them later last year. Throughout December and January, I thought a lot about trying again but I didn’t. I felt so alone and confused. The fear I felt after my attempt is what stopped me from trying again. Now I just feel so stupid for everything I did in that year or two years. I messed up so many things and I was awful with everything. I’m still trying to forgive myself for things I’ve done to others and myself and I have problems with self-harm on and off and my anxiety is always there but I just wish I never did any of that. I was so dumb for trying to do what I did when my life was so good and now I’d give anything to go back to those times. I’m trying to rebuild who I am now and forget about what I did but it’s so hard to forgive myself for everything and move on. I have so many regrets and I just want to be a good person and be loving to everyone and for everything bad to be over. It’s hard