It makes me sad a lot thinking of the amount of self-sabotage I've done throughout the years. I regret so much of the decisions I've made and the amount of situations I ran away from. Which just leads me to think if life is a constant stream of regrets. How can I be 17 but still have such an expansive feeling of regret? Like will I get better? Will I always have this feeling of regret looming over me? Is regret just inevitable? I understand you can live life to the fullest blablablabla but I regret so many things. I regret the way I lied about things, the way I treated my body, the way I treated teachers who wanted to help me, I regret never fully acknowledging the problem I created back in freshman year. The lack of respect I had for myself for finishing assignments, never adhering to promises I made, they just hurt me more than anyone around me. I read somewhere that the promises you make for yourself are as important as the ones you make to others. I've really let myself down over the years but sometimes I'm so delusional I think I'm still able to reach those goals. But truthfully, I can't and it just makes me laugh how self-aggrandizing I've been for so many years when I genuinely just ran away from everything that required hard work. When people offered me help, I just dismissed it and it makes me sad because thinking back I think they thought I was promising but I just rejected their help from my low self-esteem. I'm not sure if this post has any cohesive storyline more than just being a stream of words from my brain late at night. I just don't want to go into details because I feel so ashamed of how I've dealt with things and the way I disrespected myself when I did it. The fact that most people think I'm doing well right now is laughable honestly. I'm struggling so much but I like being known as the one who can solve anything on their own. I just hope to whoever will make tough decisions in their life, understands that once you run away from something you just lose more and more of yourself every day until finding the way back will feel impossible. I hope you can find the brilliancy and the incandescent light you have & the without-a-doubt fact that you are capable of doing whichever someone believes you can. I wished I felt it before, or understood that when someone believes you can accomplish something, it's because they've seen your brilliancy before you could ever fathom it.
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