Relapse/effects of quarantine, Anonymous (16)

Ever since the start of high school, I have struggled with an eating disorder. While the thoughts/behaviors started in middle school, it really got bad especially in freshman year when the stress of being in a new environment built up and I had no other way to cope. I was hospitalized near the end of freshman year, and was steady for a while but was sent back 7 months later. It finally felt like for once I was doing better but ever since I’ve been at home it’s gotten worse. I actually had the motivation to fuel my body for sports before, but when that was canceled I gave up. While I’m not where I was in freshman year, the aggressive behaviors of counting calories, hiding food, and LYING TO EVERYONE is so exhausting and I’m so tired of it. Now that I’m at home there’s nothing else to focus on and it doesn’t help that the Tik Tok "fyp" is literally showing videos of girls starving themselves when I say not interested. I have to start a SIX HOUR A DAY program next week where I have to follow the stupid 5 meal fit in all the food groups bs that doesn’t help at all and I’m not even allowed to eat a mother fucking grilled cheese without adding meat (it’s a fucking grilled cheese wtf!!) and I know I need help I just don’t wanna go back to that place where I have absolutely no freedom and my parents pick all my food and I have to fight them every day. It’s a whole new tiring cycle and I just feel like crap and fat and disgusting and just exhausted. I know I need help and I have to go there whether I want it or not but I don’t know what to do at this point. I hope everyone who has read this thinks twice about going out to a party and extending the lockdown because many of us have issues that have been made much worse, both mental illness and being at home with abusive parents and having to care for family members. If I have any message it’s don’t starve yourself. Please. It ruins your body, your mind, and your relationship with your family. It gives you even worse body dysmorphia, some days I can’t even look in the mirror. While society may not say, you are PERFECT the way you are. Also, some of the people in ED programs are DREADFUL so there’s that too. I don’t know what else to say other than think twice before you compliment extreme weight loss, you never know what is truly going on.