Sexual assault and harassment, Anonymous (17)

Well, it happened. After years of tolerating comments about my body, adult men sexualizing it, and a mother whose state of mind caused her to victim blame. After years of advances escalating and unwanted touching happening. I was raped. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, it was at a kickback and I admit I had lots of substances in my system. And it turned out I had sex that night without even knowing. With remembering only tiny details including at the end of the night when I put my clothes in a ziplock bag and looked at myself in the mirror with tears streaming down my face repeating “nothing happened, you’re fine. If u have to cry only one tear." This was the second time that this had happened however this felt more severe. I think it was because I was repressing it so much that I was destroying my subconscious. I put the clothes in the bag to bring them to a hospital, but my parents track me so I didn't want them asking questions. I threw away my underwear which was ripped. I feel guilty because what if they do it to another person. And I didn't have the courage to stop them. I'm so detached from what happened because every day I try to convince myself that it was consensual.