To be honest, this is not much of a story, but I just needed a place to vent. Since elementary school, I have been struggling with mental illnesses like depression. No matter how many meds I take, I still wish that I could just go to bed and never wake up. After months and months of feeling numb inside, I celebrate those times when I can feel even an ounce of pain. I tend to shut out my emotions when they become overwhelming, but in return, I constantly feel empty inside. Now and then, the only way that I can feel something is through self-harm. Personally, cutting is the easiest way to release all my built-up frustration and sadness that I have internalized. You don't realize how f*cked up you truly are until self-harm is the first solution to all of your problems. For six whole months, I remained “clean” and did not harm myself but recently, things changed. I found myself returning to my old coping mechanisms. Although I'm angry at myself for doing so, a part of me feels like I deserve it. Like a lot of teenagers, I have had many problems with substance abuse. As bad as it sounds, drinking alcohol and smoking is the only way that I can escape from my problems. I know it is not beneficial for my health, but at least it allows me to feel some sort of temporary happiness. Throughout my teenage years, I have realized that there is greater pain than when you look in the mirror and are disgusted by what you see. No matter what I look like, I will never be satisfied with my appearance. I go through phases where I feel too skinny so I gain a bunch of weight in hopes of rebuilding my self-image. Later on, however, I begin to feel fat. So, I cut my calories and lose a fuck ton of weight, but I still hate the way that I look. There is no winning when it comes to my body because no matter what I look like, I will never be happy with myself. I am learning that I need to love who I am, as a person, before I can love my external self.
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