I was groomed on a Pokémon roleplay website at 8. I was told in the chat of a Pokémon anime live stream on YouTube that they were gonna rape me. I had older friends in Minecraft who introduced me to Google + and then hentai, then porn, then rape and kidnapping. I was curious. I'd read fanfiction of girls being kidnapped and killed and raped and sex slavery. I don't know why. Curiosity? Something sick and twisted was wrong in my head. Then came discord, and Harry Potter roleplay servers. That was my creative outlet until I made friends who made me anxious and self-conscious and turned out to be horrible people. One was a pedophile. Sometimes he'd say he loved me, cared about me, I was cute and funny. That made up for how he ignored me the rest of the time, right? And got angry with me when I messaged him too much? And unloaded all his issues onto me and ghosted me when I had issues of my own? For years I cried every night. I had to change bedrooms because, in that bed, I had ruined my childhood, unsupervised online. Trauma or not trauma? I'm still living with the aftereffects of that, but is it really serious enough to be classed as trauma? Or am I just stuck in the mindset of thinking my issues aren't important because of my emotionally abusive mum? Or am I just a drama queen? Is that why my parents don't love me as much as my siblings? Is my mental health improving, or am I just getting used to being ill?
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