What lies beneath the nice girl, Anonymous (17)

Growing up there was no stability. My first memories are of my alcoholic mom. I’ve blocked out most memories of my childhood. Whether it was my mom falling asleep while I was in a running bathtub, taking me on her liquor runs, the constant fights, finding random bottles in my toy chest, DUI’s, and cop calls way too often. Many say that this lack of control I had at home was the triggering factor for my eating disorder. At age seven I began to obsess over my weight and calorie intake. I lost a significant amount of weight and a week after my eighth birthday I was first hospitalized. My eating disorder finally gave me something to grasp on. With help from therapists and hospitals, I managed to put on a healthy amount of weight and keep a significantly healthy diet until the age of 12. During this time my mom was still fighting her own demons and in the last two years of her life, she was basically homeless. In April of 2013, my mom died alone in a motel in South San Francisco. It scares me, how could someone with so much life and success lose everything. I don't blame her, she was hurt and alcohol was the only way it helped. Who would want to give up something that gave them everything? I know she loved but deep down alcohol gave her something I never could. To be honest I think I’ve become numb. My dad has always treated me like an adult, so I've learned to start from a really young age I need to be able to take care of myself. I don’t need anyone. At age 12, my eating disorder habits resurfaced. I again lost a significant amount of weight and by the summer of 7th grade, I was re-hospitalized. I was continuously lying to my family about what I was eating, hiding food, exercising in secret, you name it I was probably doing it. This time around I was hospitalized six times in the span of three months and I was eventually sent to residential where I spent 6 months living with other kids. After this, I went to a day program for three months. Although I was blessed with the ability to receive treatment, my eating disorder hasn’t gone anywhere. Despite the circumstance, it was during my time in treatment that I have met some of the most amazing people I have ever come across. In my sophomore year every week, I had my weight check with my doctor where she has threatened to hospitalize me every time. I was unhealthily skinny and now in quarantine, I have gained a significant amount of weight, although not in a healthy way. Now I’ve noticed that I am going down the path of losing weight again. It’s been so long I can’t imagine my life without it. I am supposed to be going away next year and I’m so scared of what my eating disorder is going to make of this. I am finally going to the school of my dreams where I know I will be set up for so much success. I know have early signs of osteoporosis, an unstable menstrual cycle, liver, and stomach problems but I can’t seem to stop. Everyone sees me as this golden girl, nobody knows what's really going on. I have a lot of friends and people like me, but I just have this numbness and wall up that I can't escape. My eating disorder and anxiety has taken away so much from me. I don’t want to end up like my mom, consumed by the sole thing that's hurting me. My life is a fight between the living and being skinny, I’m scared to see who ends up winning.

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