My friend ed, Anonymous (17)

It’s only been about 7 months since my eating disorder started but it’s been really getting to me since we’ve been under the shelter in place law. Being stuck at home with so much food has been making me deal with my ED head first. I feel bad even calling it an eating disorder since it hasn’t been medically diagnosed. When I decide to binge, I take laxative pills to purge the food out of me because I’m not good at vomiting it out. I’ll eat a lot at night then take between 1-5 pills to get it out in the morning. I absolutely hate how my body looks. It fucking disgusts me so much and I just wish someone would agree with me so I don’t have to keep contemplating if I actually look as bad as I think I do. I don’t even know what I really look like anymore because of how many hours I’ve spent analyzing myself in the fucking mirror. I don’t understand why I can’t be as skinny as all the girls I go to school with. Food absolutely disgusts me but I can’t control myself around it. I don’t want to keep waking up and hating my body, but whenever I try to make a change I end up relapsing on pills.

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