My secret, Anonymous​ (17)

I think the only thing that nobody knows about me is that I’m bulimic. I don’t think I look super bulimic because I’m not paper thin. I’ve always struggled with my body and food. In sports when I was younger I always felt bigger and my coaches loved to point it out. I’ve always been a good eater too, I love food, and growing up I had a huge appetite. I began to develop disorder eating habits but it was spring break last year when my eating disorder really started. It was finally too much and one night after dinner I decided to purge. It was the greatest feeling ever, I felt like I had discovered a loop whole. I can eat whatever I want and then just reverse it. I promised myself I would only purge when I felt like I really needed to but it took over quicker than I expected. On and off for the past year, my bulimia is always on my mind. Sometimes I would purge up to 5-7 times a day and I couldn’t stand the thought of having any food in my stomach. During the fall of last year, I thought I was getting better but now in quarantine, it’s gotten so much worse. It’s all I think about every day and my body is so used to it now that I can feel my stomach and digestive system getting worse and worse. It’s been over a year now and still, nobody knows. I’ve struggled with other things before and I’ve always been able to confide in people and get help but for some reason, I just can’t with my bulimia. It’s just been my secret for so long and I’m scared that it will never go away. I just can’t stop at this point