hi so ive been writing a lot of college essays and like yeah technically they’re about me and who i am but like honestly they’re just not really. they’re about who colleges want me to be, not who i am. an exaggeration of any decent thing I’ve ever done so that somewhere might accept me into their school. and like I’m fine with that. i can be authentically fake for colleges, its what they want to see. and I’m not completely lying in my essays, I’m just not showing the deeper more complex parts of myself. like come on how can they expect me to be completely open when multiple complete strangers are gonna be reading my writing and when there’s so much riding on the 350 words i have to use. so yeah no. my piqs aren’t really about me, they’re more about the persona, the part of me that colleges wanna see. if i could write the piq i wanted, i know what it would be about. easily. but its not something I can just reveal to a bunch of people who don’t know me. I’m not ready for that yet. but if i were to write a completely honest this is who i am piq it’d be about my sexuality. I’m bisexual. and i can think of and write about so many other issues I’ve had in my life, but the real thing that’s holding me back, the thing I’ve been struggling with for years is accepting the fact that i like boys and girls. i don’t exactly know why, but in a way, i feel like I’m letting my parents down for being bi, that i was supposed to be the perfect, normal child. and this makes me not normal. everyone assumes I’m straight, i did too up until a few years ago. i shoved this part of me down for so long, not admitting it to myself or anyone else. id repeat the words I’m straight in my head over and over again, like i was trying to convince myself that i was something I’m not. deep down i knew, but i wasn’t about to let that part of me know. i mean after all I’m the normal child. now I’m not ashamed that I’m bi, its something I’ve accepted about myself and I’m way more open about it than i used to be. because I’m like absolutely positive that i am. so its not gonna change. but i also know that later in my life, I’m gonna marry a guy. that’s what’s gonna happen, doesn’t matter that id happily marry a girl. I’m gonna marry a boy because that’s what I’m supposed to do. be successful, have a husband, and have kids. live that conventional happy family life. and of course I’m sure ill be happy with the guy i marry, i would never marry someone i don’t actually love. so based on that, why do i even need to tell them I’m bisexual anyway? its not like I’m gonna marry a girl, and that’s all that matters. but come on like are you dumb, you need to tell them because you’re hiding this huge part of you from the people that love you the most in this world. but yeah, that’s not exactly convincing enough. my friends know, i feel accepted by them. its just that my family has known me from the moment i was born and i don’t wanna drop this bomb on them that’s gonna make their view of me change. i remember telling myself one time that ill tell my parents if/when i get a girlfriend. and like okay yeah that sounds fine to me. but will i ever be open enough to actually let myself be in a public relationship with a girl? id like to say that i am because I’m not ashamed of this part of me anymore but then again its gonna change the way people perceive me. i don’t wanna be referred to as “the bi friend” like its not my whole personality. its just who i like. nobody would ever feel the need to introduce someone as straight. its like people immediately say that you’re bi or gay or anything that’s not straight as a sort of disclaimer. like hey warning: bisexual present. its dumb. but if i liked someone enough, id come out for them. well for myself and them. i just need that little push you know. like with the girl i like currently, if she told me she liked me and wanted to be in a relationship, id jump on the chance and be proud to do so. because no matter what other people say, id have her and that’s more than good enough for me. people’s weird looks, whispers, anything id take it. because she’s worth it. but the thing is like why am i not worth it to myself? why is my love for myself not enough to make me show the entirety of who i am? well that’s because i don’t love myself lol. but we’re working on that. getting there, slowly but surely. I’m relying on having a girlfriend for me to come out because that’ll give me a reason to. i know there’s already plenty of other reasons why i should, but if you’ve read this far, you already know i don’t exactly do well with these reasons. at least now if someone asks me id say yeah I’m bi. so that’s good. but yeah, all my college essays are about stupid things like sports or volunteering or something good I’ve done when these experiences genuinely just never really cross my mind outside of the application process. my sexuality is something i think about all the time, it basically never leaves my brain. i wonder how my mom would react if she found out that the made-up scenarios i create in my head aren’t about a boy, but about a girl. i can’t change this about myself and i don’t want to. i used to wanna change it so badly but i don’t anymore. girls and boys make me happy and I’m good with that now. but yeah, that’s what an authentic essay about me looks like, something the colleges will never see.