I always wanted to be white. When I was a kid I would compare my light brownish skin to my mom and cry. She used to lie to me and tell me that she was darker to make me feel better. I remember going to a predominantly white and asian elementary and then later middle school. I never got male attention, I felt like a forigner even though I’m so incredibly Americanized. All the little kids would talk about their crushes and I remember nobody ever liked me and this I would always fantasize about some average white boy. From taking forever trying to get through Airport security to people trying to ask me are all Muslims terrorists. I realized I’m not the same and they will never see me the same. It wasn’t until junior year that I started getting male attention. My confidence rose so much it’s crazy. The problem is my confidence is entirely reliant on men, more specifically white men. But they’ll never like me... they don’t see me as more then my race or ethnicity. I hate that I let it effect me so much but it does. No matter how hard I try I live my life through the lense of the white man.
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